i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
