Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
