jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
