So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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