just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Text me some of your sweat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
