I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
