I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
