I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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