This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
