You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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