It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
