just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
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Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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