Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
