your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just forgot I was standing up.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
