Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
