My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
