I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
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we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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