just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
