It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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