i just made my gag reflex go away.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
