i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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