I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
