If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
