You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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