Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
