there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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