He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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