I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
