I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
