i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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