I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
