I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Actions speak louder than pants.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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