I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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