Are my feet made of real feet?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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