What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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