I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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