Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
