sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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