I don't usually arrange sex via text message
her vagine was all disorganized.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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