This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
