Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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