Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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