I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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