i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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