i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
