sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
