You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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