Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
