my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
