He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
