i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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