adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
