Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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