I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
is it fun? or sober?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
