i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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