The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
