I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
